Let Me Be Weak: What People in Pain Wish They Could Tell You by Barbera Brittany

Author:Barbera, Brittany [Barbera, Brittany]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Brittany Barbera
Published: 2015-12-07T18:30:00+00:00

6. “WE DON’T ALWAYS KNOW IF WE’RE GOING TO BE OKAY”

We do a disservice to our friends when we try to predict a future we don’t control. If someone tells us a heartbreaking story, it’s important to take some time to let it sink in. Those of us who are natural encouragers might instinctively want to comfort people by reassuring them of a positive outcome. While I am never one to discourage a hopeful attitude, even our optimism must be paired with sensitivity when we are interacting with the bereaved. I liken this concept to the warning given in Proverbs 27:14, which says, “A loud and cheerful greeting early in the morning will be taken as a curse.”1 I’m a night owl through and through, so that verse makes me incredibly happy for obvious reasons. In the same way that I don’t want anyone to talk to me before I’ve had ample time to drink my morning coffee, someone who is grieving does not want to listen to our ill-timed cheeriness in the wake of their sorrow. Though it sounds crazy, we can actually wound people with our optimism. It's great to be a voice of inspiration and bring the bright light of hope into the darkness. Were it not for the encouragers in my own life, I would have been swallowed up into the abyss of despair many times myself. Our good intentions and positivity are honorable and welcomed at the appropriate time, but when people experience loss, we have to be careful not to let our hopefulness prompt us to make promises we can't keep.

When our loved one is hurting and we want to be able to remove their pain, we'll find ourselves searching for something, anything, to say in an attempt to alleviate their pain, even if nothing really seems to fit. In those moments, we should listen and embrace the silence. For most of us, however, the awkwardness of silence leads to our downfall and we inevitably open our mouths. We rack our brains, trying to think of something, and, when we can't, we revert back to things we've heard other people say in difficult moments because we're fresh out of original material. Eventually, we find ourselves in the midst of a conversation, rattling off some cliché we've heard a million times because it’s the first thing that comes to mind.

Honestly, is there anything more annoying than someone trying to get you to “look on the bright side” of a devastating loss before you've even had time to process what happened? People are known to say the craziest things in these moments, leaving the person their comments are directed towards trying to absorb the shock as best they can. Having an unintentionally flippant attitude about a serious heartache, feels insensitive and even repulsive to the person struggling. Imagine your child died and someone said, “At least you're young. You can always have another baby.” Would that make you feel better?

Or suppose you invested the last 20

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